Journey into a PhD
by Dorothy Muraya
The End. I remember the moment I knew I would have to quit. We were in the umpteenth meeting in the boardroom and after having heard from a series of experts in the field, he still wouldn’t budge. My foster care program had struggled from the start, working against internal organisational pressure and external obstacles yet against all odds, it was succeeding. I knew foster care was a powerful and effective tool for alternative care for children but he was stuck in his old ways. He wanted us to open a children’s home and I couldn’t do that. As he banged on and on shooting down every research and field supported point I brought forth, with my other bosses watching silently, I knew I’d be sending in my resignation soon. His mind was made up and he was shutting us down and I did not agree with where he wanted us to go. “Convince me” he said, one last time, in the face of evidence from a committee of experts in the field. And with that I walked away into the unknown.
The Spark. A few months later, sitting down at staff lunch for the very last time, I decided to sit with a neutral crowd. I was tired of the questions about what to do next. I just wanted to get through the day, walk out of that office for the last time and go home and sleep for a few days. Next would figure itself out then. As I went through the drudgery of small talk, one colleague spoke a sentence that ignited a fire that in my heart that hadn’t burned in quite a long time. “You should apply for a PhD”. That was it! That was my next thing! I spent the next few weeks trying to figure out my topic and found it when I was talking to myself out loud while jogging.
The Application. I think they make the process of applying for a PhD hard just so they can filter out the weak ones. It is a long tough and grueling process trying to find supervisors and programs that matched the work and the funding to support it. It’s hard to find that all three actually match in one situation. Maybe you’ll find the program but the supervisor isn’t available or you don’t fit any of the funding categories. It took me a year and a half from when I started applying to when I finally joined. I had to defer an acceptance and eventually I didn’t even get the funding but I took the leap of faith and started on this journey knowing that I could make a deep impact in a field that matters significantly and can impact lives. I remember when yet another rejection came about funding. I sat there devastated, but calmly wrote an email saying, “thank you for the feedback. I will see you in October.” Call it courage, call it foolishness, call it what you may but I called that faith because sometimes you really must just step out into the unknown.
The unknown. A few weeks into a different city in a different country, they took us through a one day orientation and at the end of the day, I meekly raised my hand and asked , “What next?” It seemed unreal that this was it. That I just had to start. No classes, no reports or deadlines. Right there and then was the beginning into my journey. I had to believe that I was ready for it so I started. I went to the library and borrowed an obnoxiously big pile of books and I set up plans and strategies and logged my every work hour. I bought essential stationery (sticky notes and colorful pens) and I worked for 8 hours five days a week. Over 6 months in I have long forgotten some of those overly ambitious work strategies and I have had to re-do my topic twice and there’s been deadlines, tears, and re-writes but this journey has taught me a lot more about life than I thought it would. They never tell you that the journey through a PhD is also about who you’re becoming. So I’m learning to be a researcher, to approach everything with curiosity, to greedily take in all the information I can but also to savor the knowledge. I am learning to appreciate my perspective, my voice and to share my knowledge with the world. The journey into a PhD is one that teaches you patience and to have be flexible, adjusting when you face obstacles and not letting bad feedback knock you down. I love who I am becoming so far and I think that’s the highest thing one can aspire to. I’m a hiker and I find that hiking is quite like this PhD journey. There are two people you’ll meet. Those that rush to the top and those that savor the journey to the top. I don’t want to be another academic swallowed up by their studies lost in books who wakes up after 3 years to find that life happened while she studied. I have worked my schedule so that I have time to pursue my hobbies, to rest on a weekend and to make friends. I am savoring the journey and boy is it one wild journey. Now to face this scary mountain called the first year Review Board. Wish me luck ;)
Dorothy Muraya is a PhD candidate at Moray House School of Education & Sport, University of Edinburgh. She has over 10 years’ experience working with children and young people in Kenya. She is passionate about social justice issues and systems of care for vulnerable children.
